2020/ Part 2

 So, my whole world as I mentioned was in shambles. I was adapting to a new way of life. Originally, the world was supposed to be closed for 2 weeks, but it was way longer than that. If you never had the pleasure of dealing with anxiety/panic attacks, I salute you. They’re the worst things that I have ever encountered in my life. Someone takes your breath away and you can feel yourself genuinely losing the ability to breathe and control. Your body slowly becomes a jello and you’re paralyzed unable to lift any pieces off the ground. The only control that you have are your tears and that is when I know that the attack is slowly coming to an end. When I feel my body have a reaction to the paralyzation, I know that the attacks are ending. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy. Throughout this time that I was on “vacation” I noticed that my body was changing. A week into the misery, I noticed that my period was a week late. I was getting physically ill every day. I knew that something was off and explained it to my husband. He kept telling me to wait and hold off on taking any pregnancy tests. Suddenly, one week turned into two and I told him that I needed to know. Easter was quickly approaching and my mom FaceTimed me the weekend before. We had seen each other because at the initiation of the virus, I thought it was a bunch of bull. I would pick her up weekly and we would food shop together. The kids stayed at home with my husband. She can Quickly tell when there’s something off with me. So, I decided to FaceTime her and she asked me if I was pregnant out of nowhere. I did want another baby, but we were not actively trying. It just happened. My mom knew. She always knew every time. I told her no way, but after 2 positive pregnancy tests, I couldn’t lie to her any longer. My first pregnancy was a breeze, my second was not so easy, and this one was one for the world record books. While pregnant with Giovanni, I suffered from terrible anxiety and my thyroid was slightly off because of my late night work shifts. I was relieved to be home this pregnancy and thought life would be so much easier. Boy was I ever soo wrong. I couldn’t eat more than the size of my hand without vomiting my brains out.. I craved fried mushrooms and my mom made the best ones. They all came back up. I craved lasagna and that came back up as well. I felt as if I couldn’t keep anything down. There were days that I would spend hovered over the toilet and managing to homeschool and take care of 3 kids. I had my husbands best friends daughter during the pandemic. The kids weren’t terrible, but we could not go anywhere, but the backyard. They wanted my full attention and that was a task.  My husband and his best friend were considered essential workers, so they left when it was time for the world to slowly and I mean slowly start working again. When my mom found out I was pregnant, I was no longer allowed to go to the grocery stores. My husband had to go do the shopping. Boy, did he ever forget things. I was relieved when Walmart allowed us to order for pick up again. Even though I was home with everyone, there were times that I felt lonely. I would cry all the time. My pregnancy emotions got the best of me. There were times that I felt shocked and in disbelief because of the way our world was turning. I made every day as happy as I possibly could for my children, so that we had something to look forward to. I know that if I didn’t do that, my world would have fallen apart. There were days where I would slip into a panic attack. I would have to remind myself that I was pregnant and if wasn’t healthy for the baby. Many people asked if I was terrified of Covid. Of course I was, but if I got it, there would be nothing I could do, but fight it. My best friend in Italy was pregnant during the first few months of the pandemic in her last trimester. What was supposed to be the happiest times of her life with her first baby boy, was not. Our world as we knew it was not the same. The only times I ever feared for my safety and for the safety of my unborn child was when I heard that they took newborns away from their Covid+ mothers. I don’t think I would ever survive without my baby. I was as precautious as I could be pregnant. I followed every rule. I wore my mask, washed my hands, and even though I was sent into full force attacks, I lived. I wasn’t going to give up on living because my whole world changed. I am a fierce, strong, and intelligent woman. I am an even more powerful mother. I am far from perfect, but I live for my children. They will always come first. They will come before any of my wants and needs. I have gone without for them. They are my inspiration for life, for writing, and for fighting. All of my fellow moms will understand. I am going on in tangents because I am allowed. This is where I can express my emotions freely. This is where I can build on my writing again. Sit back and enjoy. If you don’t, I really don’t care. I didn’t start writing again for you. I did this for me and for the world that is inspired through my words and motivation. This is part 2 of many more. I hope you enjoy my speeches. God bless you all!