2020/ Part One

 Hello my fellow readers!

A lot has happened since we last followed up. I am a mother of 3! I have 2 beautiful girls and a little boy. My oldest just finished kindergarten and is going into first grade. I have gone through so many changes in the past year. I no longer am a cocktail waitress and am a stay at home mom. To be honest the transition was far from easy. All of this happened when COVID struck. At the strike of the virus, the United States went into shutdown mode. My world as I knew it changed forever. On March 18th, 2020, I took a shower like I normally did and started to get ready for work. I was scheduled to go in from 6pm until 1am. My friends kept calling me to tell me that they got sent home and I ignored them. I worked at the casino for 9 years and AMERICA NEVER SHUT DOWN. I was in complete denial. My eyebrows were done and I was all dressed and ready to go. My phone rang at around 5:30 p.m. The voice on the other line said that the casino was closed indefinitely. I could feel my heart sink into my stomach. So many mixed emotions sprung through my mind. At the top of it all, I have to admit, I felt relief. I felt as if a large weight that cemented my body into the ground was lifted from my shoulders. No more late night working, no more tears, no more anxiety, no more wrinkles from exhaustion. My 9 years as I knew them were slowly evaporating. No one ever tells you that your throat slowly closes or that you get lightheaded from wearing a mask. As soon as I covered my nose and ears, whether a n 95, a simple cloth mask, or material, I literally felt the oxygen slipping away from my brain. My heart rate sped up and feelings of uncertainty clouded my thoughts. Was this normal? This was the new way of life. This is how we would have to live. I could barely do it and we expect children to do it? They had no other choice. Thankfully, mine adapted Quickly.  Unfortunately, that was not the case for me. Every day was a struggle. I was used to being in control of every situation. I no longer controlled anything and it felt like someone lit a match and threw it in my mouth. My whole body felt the burn. I had to get up every day and keep living. There were no other choices. Self control as I knew it was gone. My only option was to take everything as it unraveled. First thing, my daughter had to adapt to being homeschooled, which wasn’t a big deal because we had tried it before. She was only in VPK, but schools were only working with kids that age for no more than an hour. Prior to this notification, there were 2 weeks in between and I left nothing to waste. I started teaching her on my own. My son on the other hand, was thrilled to have me home. I was worried about every little thing. I was such a workaholic that I could not enjoy the time without having a meltdown. I felt like a toddler. The only difference was that I couldn’t throw a tantrum and have all the guarantees in the world because there were no guarantees. This was life. I needed constant reassurance and the only way to get it was from meditation and positive reinforcement. These were all methods I had chosen in the past for anxiety and they were the only things that helped me gain some sanity. I wish I had the willpower to document the days of 2020. I will do it all from memory. It feels great to express myself again. Please feel free to read through all of my past posts. I hope I can keep doing this. Writing always captured my thoughts and soul. So happy to be able to share my inner self with the world again!